Friday, May. 09, 2008 - 6:34 pm

I said something that didn't exactly come out the way I wanted it to.

What I said was "If he was in his right mind, he wouldn't want to be with me".

I got some shit for this, but I didn't mean it exactly how it sounded.

I didn't mean that I'm not good enough. Although, I actually do think he could do better (as in younger, thinner, cuter) than me if he were to get out of the crappy situation he's in right now.

What I meant was, his mind is really fucked up right now and I should have taken that into consideration when I made some of my own decisions where he was concerned. I should have known better, but it was partly my mistake for not leading with my head. I can't tell you enough that my heart and guts get me in big trouble, without fail, every damn time.

The funny thing is, I'm not mad anymore. It's funny because I can hold a grudge like it is my damn job.

I just very disappointed that some things have gone unanswered. Not so much about what made me mad in the first place, but the fact that he knows I was hurt (still could be for all he knows) and, to date, he hasn't acknowledged it in any way.

Talking to other people about me doesn't count.

I was comparing my friendship with him to my friendship with Chris. In almost 20 years of friendship this is the first time I've ever been upset with him about anything. Yet I had somehow enabled Chris to pretty much make a career of pissing me off and hurting me for 25 years before turning my back on him and I haven't turned around.

But this isn't about Chris.

I guess I just feel that being angry and picking a stupid (yes, it was stupid) fight with him right now would be like tripping someone hobbling around on crutches.

I've pretty much decided that if he tries to talk to me about things so far after the fact I will tell him that it's too late. I don't want to talk now. I got over it without his input and I don't really feel the need to rehash it.

I truly am "over it".

Besides, his goofy face makes me smile. It's difficult for me to stay pissy when even his pictures make me laugh.

It's just not right.

Where I've Been. - What's Next.